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Trollbabe

Hi! Trollbabe again. Please pardon me, as I am new to this whole forum thing. When I was a cub, we had stone computers on which we carved our e-mail.

I am trying to attach the Oddbit avatar to my messages and haven't figured out how to do it. I wish my cousin Skintag were here because he is a technical genius. He is busy establishing a new underground kingdom, possibly his third or fourth, with a complete water and septic system, an extensive mushroom farming co-op, three combat arenas, ample parking and a Montessori school. He keeps getting interrupted by the elves upstairs, who try to barter for food because they haven't grasped the concept of winter storage. Remember the fable about the grasshopper and the ants? This is more like the blood-sucking mosquito and the ants.

I have recently gotten an e-mail from a couple in Indiana who are seeking advice on a unique problem. Any tips, readers?

Dear Trollbabe,
Our property features a magnificent red oak which is rumored to have been planted to comemorate the end of World War One. The "Armistice Oak" has been photographed and written about numerous times by our local garden club and historical society. For decades we have contracted a reputable tree service to maintain it, and to repair any storm damage.
After nearly a century of good health, our beloved oak has fallen victim to an infestation of nocturnal elves. These creatures don't recognize property lines, noise ordinances, litter laws or rules of common decency. The only thing they "recognize" is each other, at all hours of the night, within earshot of the neighbors. They think that cats are a delicacy and cars are for target practice. They don't appear to have a word in their incomprehensible lenguage for "latrine."
The tree trunk is now marred by gaping holes, and the branches have been bent in odd directions. Exterminators are baffled and our arborist has refused to set foot on the property since the flint-arrow incident. We are at our wit's end. Help!