*shuffles in and guiltily looks up* There's no good excuse for me to show up a month late for replies... other than that real life has been shit and I just didn't feel like doing anything. Like replying here. But I read the replies as soon as I got them, and they really made me happy, which now makes me really sad because I didn't answer you sooner... uhm, I'll just shut up now.
For. The. Love. Of. the. High Ones and the WIZARDGODDESS, FINISH THIS STORY I MUST KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!!!
*blinks* You... really think it's that good? *scratches head* Well, I guess I'll have no choice then, but to continue...
Bear in mind I may appear in your room at midnight with my creepy face on, and force you to write it if the anticipation meter gets too high...
*backs away slowly and pulls blanket over head* Nooo, don't do that... I might get a heart attack, you know, and then I'll never be able to finish it! Right? ... right? *blanket is torn off* Oh, crap.
I *love* the beginning of "Are we there yet?" So like Pippin! But with this paragraph, I have a question and a suggestion. 1) Is "Man" supposed to be capitalized? and 2) You would not say, "Aragorn thought" there at the end of the paragraph, because it is not necessary. Try reading the piece out loud to yourself to see how it sounds without it. Does it still make sense?
The beginning is actually what I like the most myself, so I'm glad you found it okay too
As for your questions:
1) In most stories I have read on FFN, "Man" is often capitalized, as is "Elf" and "Hobbit", and sometimes "Dwarf" too. I don't know why, it seemed fitting when I first wrote it, but now that I re-read it... do you think I should change it? Because I will if you think it would be better with just "man".
2) *nods* I totally agree with you on that one. I'll change it immediately!
LOVE this paragraph (and the one before it). I'd change nothing here. Your style is fluid and your handle on the characters is solid.
*blushes* It's not that
good... but again, it makes me happy, and when I'm happy, I usually write better
So I thank thee!
^While engaging in its humour, I sense a tiny bit of "info dump" here about Legolas. Is it truly necessary to remind us of his keen senses? I'm assuming your audience has read LoTR, and they would know this. However, if you are working with Tolkien's style, it fits in his "long-winded" way. I just found this bit of info about Legolas unnecessary and it took me out of the narrative a bit.
*shrugs* It was only a try on Tolkien's style, but I wasn't too satisfied with it myself. I think I just wrote something to fill in space, but it does seem a bit... exaggerated? I'll remove that part, I think. Each paragraph doesn't have to be equally long, right?
^Perfectly Gandalf! Change nothing. (I could even hear the grey wizard's voice in my mind while reading. Excellent!) In fact, the next couple of paragraphs I have nothing but praise for.
Oh, now you're really making me blush! My head looks like an overgrown tomato! With tiny onion ears on the side, and a little carrot nose and... chive hair?
^Two things here. 1) when I see a symbol like this in writing ( ~*~), it tells me the author is uncomfortable with transitions. Since you need no symbol there for it to flow fluidly from one paragraph to the next, and only a few hours have past, don't use it. I tried reading your story without this marker, and it flows perfectly well. 2) again more info dump. If we've read LoTR, we know Pippin is young, and very much like this. You don't need to explain why he acts this way. You might just let him act
. I guess I'm saying that you already "show" this, so you don't need to "tell" it.
1) YES! I really am uncomfortable with transitions! I hate 'em, absolutely hate 'em! And I've read enough stories without any kind of symbol to show me it's a new paragraph, to have learned to always insert one myself. I've always done it just so that readers won't get confused, as I have too often been. But if you're absolutely sure I won't need it... I guess it'll have to go too.
2) *scratches head* Not quite sure I understood that... you mean I don't need to include 'the youngest hobbit dared not upset the older cousin he had hero-worshipped since birth'? Or something else? It just seemed fitting at the time...
^Hrm. I'm loving everything I'm NOT commenting on (from now on), so don't get nervous. But "confuzzled" is slang and really doesn't work with your style. I'd use "confused" instead? I don't know about this one, but the word just really stuck out to me.
*squirms in chair* Urrr... I like the word, I really like the word... but you might be right about it not fitting. Slang, you say? Maybe that's why I didn't find a translation in my book...
^"Eyeing" has another 'e'.
*falls to knees and starts worshipping* THANK YOU!!! This is just what I need! Corrections, corrections, corrections!!!
^Legolas as I remember him would not debate against the bow. He'd have it drawn already in my mind, but might debate about whether to shoot. Legolas is like liquid when it comes to instinct. This ONE, SHORT bit was out of character.
*nods* Just this tiny little comment has made me change lots of things for the plot line of this story, and made me frown at other stories and really see out-of-character-ness. Really, it just made me think and go all "Hey, you're right! They wouldn't act like that, but like this! So then they should-" and on and on and on. THANK YOU!!!
^ Um ... when did they bolt to safety? When did this happen? Did I miss it? Do you need them to 'bolt to safety", or is it better to let that tension you've built linger on the readers' palate by keeping the hobbits frozen to the spot? I'd prefer the latter, because we are left waiting for them to follow ...
*slaps self* I meant for the hobbits to have dived to the safety that was Gandalf, but I do see that I managed to erase one of those sentences and actually write something else than intended further up... *bangs head on table* I should really stop writing at 11 pm... but I see your point and I like you suggestion. I really like it. I think I'll steal it. *snatches idea and runs off* IT'S MINE!!!
Everything here is good enough to be passable. I had to get out my nitpicking hat to really have much to say about it.
Really? You mean that? *glomps* Aw, such comments always make me happy!
It's great work! Please do keep writing this; I can't wait to see how it ends! Your style and language are excellent. Your obvious knowledge of LoTR is astounding and pulls the story together into something believable. Awesome job! I am impressed!
... what can I possibly say (or write) to express my gratitude and happiness for these words of yours? It's one of the best replies I've ever gotten, and though I've said it before, I'll say it again: It really makes me happy, really, really happy! ^^ Thank you, Squirrel, thank you!
Oh, and I'm sorry I can't help you with a title until I've read the whole thing. I just know it should be something that ties the end and beginning together without giving too much away. Having not see the ending, I'm at a loss here ...
No prob ^^ I highly agree, and wonder if I have actually found something...
Squirrel took most of what I was going to adress.
Squirrel took most of the story!
I'll admit that I haven't read the book or seen the movies in a while, but I was under the impression that Gandlaf used the full names at this time of the journey. Instead of Sam, he used Samwise, Muntiadok instead of Merry and Peregrine. If annoys he'd use surname as well.
*snaps fingers* Of course! I knew
something wasn't right about that one! Thank you for pointing it out! ... erm, when did he actually start to call them by their 'pet names'? After the fall in Moria?
As for title, I think yours work for now at least. I always need to finish my writings to get the perfect title.
*grumbles* I hate saving my work under a different name than the one it is to be published under... but you're right, as always. And my teacher always tell us to use the first title we come up with as only a working title, else we'll get stuck with what we have
I sometimes forget that their names are different in Norwegian and English... I didn't even catch that!
For a Title, how about... Immortal Sands?
Like, the sands of time slipping through their hands, as they are reversing in age?
*tastes the title* Immortal Sands... deep. I'll note it, though I wonder about a few other ideas as well.
Ignore me, thinking is hard when it's late...
Nooo! *huggles Sailor* I could never ignore you! And just take a look at what I
write when I'm tired! I can't even recognize it the following day!
As for titles, I've found two more suggestions: This Innocence
and The Children Are Watching Us
because of the innocence you can find within all children, and because the Fellowship will be spellbound by it.
The Children Are Watching Us
becase children understand so much more than most adults think, because they maintain a sense of responsibility and duty to protect, and because they'll most likely eavesdrop on conversations not meant for sensitive elven ears. *shrugs* But hey, they're kids. What'd you expect?
Wooow, that's one long message!