ELFQUEST
FORUM ARCHIVE     ABOUT EQ     READ ONLINE     SHOP    
ABOUT     READ     SHOP    

Help poem not quite right

blackash

I wrote this on the way home,
the first 3 lines almost jumped out of me and on to the paper by themselves.
The last 3 lines have the a emotion I want, but the rhythm of the poem is not right. Here is the poem

This living grief I feel,
Is inter-woven into the very depths of me.
What was once joyous is now an underlying grief,
These emotions that I conceal,
I wish to keep, while also being free
For once this grief is gone, the loss will be complete.

Any ideas?

lunakat

try to vary the word you use to express grief. you say 'grief' three times. You might try to find a synonym. Also... if you want to flesh it out, perhaps include lines with specific details about the person/thing/event you are grieving. specific sensory details- basically imagery. I wouldn't get too over-explanatory with it, but to give the reader a sense of the moment- as if they were in your skin, looking through your eyes.

those are my only thoughts. it's a very sad poem- but a very lovely expression of your feelings.

blackash

Quote:
lunakat

try to vary the word you use to express grief. you say 'grief' three times. You might try to find a synonym. Also... if you want to flesh it out, perhaps include lines with specific details about the person/thing/event you are grieving. specific sensory details- basically imagery. I wouldn't get too over-explanatory with it, but to give the reader a sense of the moment- as if they were in your skin, looking through your eyes.

those are my only thoughts. it's a very sad poem- but a very lovely expression of your feelings.



Thanks lunakat,
I look up some synoyms for grief and see what works. I've never written anything like this before.

blackash

This living grief I feel,
Is inter-woven into the very depths of me.
What was once joyous is now an underlying heartache,
These emotions that I conceal,
I wish to keep, while also being free
For losing this grief, would complete my heartbreak.

mournsong

I've always liked "sorrow" as a nice synonym for "grief"...

blackash

Yes sorrow is better.

This living grief I feel,
Is inter-woven into the very depths of me.
What was once joyous is now an underlying sorrow,
These emotions that I conceal,
I wish to keep, while also being free
For losing this grief, would complete my heartbreak.

mournsong

"Anguish" is another possility. Or just plain old "pain".

blackash

Nope, you got it the first time with sorrow

lunakat

i actually like your first ending better "once this grief is gone, the loss would be complete"- it's more impactful. And 'complete' is a good word to end a poem on. There's something more all encompassing about a 'complete loss' than about a heartbreak. Most of us get our hearts broken- but the idea of losing so completely is one that makes you stop and think.

blackash

The poem had the right feel with the last line when it was
For once this grief is gone, the loss will be complete.
Thou the flow of the words wasn't quite right.
:? Sooo I like this wording but wanted a better flow.

blackash

This living grief I feel,
Is inter-woven into the very depths of me.
What was once joyous is now an underlying sorrow,
These emotions that I conceal,
I wish to keep, while also being free
For once this grief is gone, the loss will be complete.

Looking at it now I like this version.

Tehaar

I would still get rid of inter-woven. Couldn't just woven work just as well? I might also write "what once was joyous" because I find that it flows better. :) I agree that the last line is the strongest, I really like the ending.

krwordgazer

This is lovely!

If you want to improve the rhythm of the poem, remove a few syllables and change "was once" to "once was." A few more powerful verbs would also help, and changing "the grief" to "my grief" would make it more personal and moving. Also, "interwoven" doesn't need a hyphen.

Something like this:

This living grief I feel,
Is interwoven through the depths of me.
What once was joyous, now lies beneath as sorrow.
These emotions I conceal,
I wish to hold, though also to be free
For once this grief is gone, my loss will be complete.

It's perfectly fine to use the word "grief" in both the first and last lines. That's part of what gives the poem a feeling of completeness.

lunakat

Or, if you want the same cadence and prefer to keep the word "underlying"- you could just eliminate either the word "now" or "is". Also- you don't need to say "I feel"- if you have grief you are feeling it. I also think that, while it works, "though also to be" is a little clunky- but in being cluncky has a sweetness to it.. You could draw a direct relation between holding on and being free. I like Krword's suggestion of "hold"- because that's what you are doing. And it implies cradling your sorrow. But I also like "keep" because it alliterates.

This living grief
Is woven in the depths of me;
What once was joyous, now an underlying sorrow.
These emotions I conceal,
I wish to keep as much as to be free
For once this grief is gone, my loss will be complete.

Or... maybe something like

This living grief
interweaves the depths of me;
What once was joyous is an underlying sorrow.
These emotions I conceal,
I wish to hold as much as to be free
For once this grief is gone, my loss will be complete.

Or you know... you might still be able to keep "is now" and have a good cadence by shortening the beginning like that...

This living grief
interweaves the depths of me;
What once was joyous is now an underlying sorrow.
These emotions I conceal,
I wish to hold as much as to be free
For once this grief is gone, my loss will be complete.



.. you could also say "weaves throughout" or "weaves within"- all give a different rhythm

blackash

This living grief,
Is woven into the very depths of me.
What once was joyous is now an underlying sorrow,
These emotions that I conceal,
I wish to keep, while also being free
For once this grief is gone, the loss will be complete.

Thanks for the input. This flow seems better.

lunakat

nice!

krwordgazer

Lovely poem, it really is. It expresses an aspect of grief we all recognize if we've experienced a loved one's death. I'm sorry for your loss.

lunakat

Oh my gosh- Krwordgazer's response was so much more appropriate given the nature of the poem.

Tehaar

I thought this was for a story of some sort. But if it wasn't just a story, my condolences too.

I really liked the flow of "This living grief I feel" instead of just "This living grief", personally. Worked well with the later "conceal".

blackash

Tehaar, hanks for pointing out the "I" part. I sat down and read it aloud again and the flow does go better with the "I feel" back in it.

I wrote this when a very close friendship (sister like) was damaged due a inter family issue, neither of us was at fault. But I knew how she would react as she is very loyal. At the time I wrote this we hadn't be talking for a very long time and it didn't look like we would be anytime soon. 6 years on, we still friends but not close anymore and yet strangely there are echos of that closeness.

krwordgazer, I agree that it express the loss of a love one.

Well I call this cooked as I could play around with placement and wording given half a chance.

This living grief I feel,
Is woven into the very depths of me.
What once was joyous is now an underlying sorrow,
These emotions that I conceal,
I wish to keep, while also being free
For once this grief is gone, the loss will be complete.

krwordgazer

Blackash, I'm glad it wasn't a death, but still very much a loss that I'm sorry you have had to endure.