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[Feedback] Pocket of Air (poem)


This one I am not happy with. What I want from you:

1. Does it make sense to you? Can you prove it by telling me what it's about (briefly)? I know my poems can be cryptic, but I'd like to make this one clear enough to understand.

2. Critique the language, the flow, anything. What are its strengths? Weaknesses? Why?

I'd also like to explain that my first drafts do not have a lot of line breaks. If you are uncomfortable with the block of text, lemme know.



Pocket of Air

My breath burns when I hold you. I feel encapsulated and ready to tear you in two with my eyes and bated smiles. Together, we consume heartbeats. We swallow the blood-flood and expel it to the purgatory of sex. I wrap myself around my opaque fantasies until love is pure and blinding and whole and worthy. I grasp onto tiny bits of hair that represent you, or the spurious leap in my chest that also represents you, but the sputtering relief in my veins is only a mirage. I see my hands curl around insufficient air. The meager scent in your hair is suppressed and my fingers scar themselves black as a smudge. Skin bubbles in the heat of a summer solstice and I wither away. The reprieve of your entwined limbs is small comfort, but the reality is lethal and I become again who I have always been. I fuss over small things, like money, or food, or religion. I am carnal and craved.

But you, you are amnesia.